Ideally.

Insecurities I wear them

an Armour

the war wounds of my past (mistakes) for you to see.

Songs I now can sing loudly and proudly

Music I believed told the lyrics of our waste

There is no red face now.

They are just mine.

And while loving you has always felt a blessing

and,

although,

I have no book of tomorrow

we read

Happily. Ever. After

My smug smile

With my indifferent shrug.

Because then there was You.

Storyteller

Always an habitual liar.

The constant pretender

Your stories shift around my head.

You were always dancing the finest line of fact & fiction.

I get to watch from a virtual far now

a quick toe dip in then out

eyes peaking through slits between fingers

breath held, tense, with anticipation

of What's Next.

I recall shouting once, many times, a then mantra:-

You Deserve To Be On Your Own.

a bad batch of feeling which had then taken hold.

But it was those rare omissions of then truth held me to you.

I gagged for more.

For when I saw you, really saw you,

Without

cloudy judgement.

Oh, pity!

I pitied the fool you are.

For you were just a storyteller who would never know a happy ending.

I'll never be

I have never been the girl the boys are stupid-in-love about
no drunken gestures
nor stories of undying love.

There is no one with my name,
embedded on their arm
I just don't have that lasting-stay-with-you-forever effect.

Each time it spoiled before
I didn't come away unscathed.

Even when I did the leaving.
I nursed a hurting heart.

I'm not the girl you have to try terribly hard to impress
Straight down the line, no games.

So please don't despair
I am not about to break your heart.

Rebound

There are those that bounce

from the arms of one straight to another

Never bothering to take the time to

Repair

And to fix the damage caused by the previous

Then there those that get swept away with the

Transition of a relationship to none

the ones inbetween

Rebound

they are

used

for a night,

or a matter of weeks and months

to aid in the forgetting or getting over process

Before The Conversation

On a rainy day

An original chameleon

Blonde

Black

Red

Brown

All the colours of the rainbow.

A flick of hair

The screwed up grin & a

Smile

That doesn’t quite reach.

Self preservation

Teamed with re-invention.

Seamlessly confident

Loud, brash and seemingly unafraid.

A textbook version of a depressive trying to break out.

& when the tears start to fall

What if all the love is wasted?

& when I spew with

Hate.Hate.Hate

Just find a place to put it, and carry on.

Because that’s all you can do.

Your Restraint

There's a thousand q & a's

That I have

Up here, for you.

Queries, a couple

There is no start

...with everything.

The responses

Eat them up, really greedy

Engrain and Store.

The Quick Fire Round

just before sleep time.

Find the opening, pick a moment.

Hold, stop & breathe easily.

bombard

bombard

tease a response

then

QUICK! retreat

before lockdown

soon followed by annoyance

tut

tutting

and Why?

a disappointment and

I wish I didn't,

I wish I didn't know.

damp cheeks, my own regrets and

I wish I never,

I wish I never shared.

Wait,

bide time.

Your restraint *I bow* is commendable.

.

So they’ve gone
London - Hong Kong – Perth

The remaining pieces from a past life awaiting their arrival
In boxes,
At a house by the sea.

And left behind to solider on
The broken remains of family.

Quiet times
The words on a screen blurring
The mind wanders
While papers sit idly on my lap
Leaving time to dream up scenarios
The kind, I am too guilty to say aloud.

Soy suposed para ser feliz

Except, sorry, I’m not.

There is much to say and no energy to do it

And I have a confession to make.