Just Tired.

Fitfully sleeping,

dreaming and awaking

feeling much more exhausted than when I initially went to bed.

A jumbled story, with a mix match of memories that don't actually exist.

The lightheaded feeling, that actually leaves you feeling a little sick.

with Nerves.

Getting out of bed late, my mind doing overtime, questioning my motives

I catching a glimpse of my face

Rough Night Then.

Seeking comfort making breakfast, watching telly before heading back to bed.

"Get Up!" i insist, "run a bath and stop"

cba

Spending longer than usual painting my face.

How textbook of me.

hmmm, still look shit.

My mind wanders, what is it that is instilled into us that makes us crave

Romance, a happy ending.

Setting yourself up for a let down, tears and heartbreak to follow.

...I can't wait...

Critically I survey my wardrobe

nothings suitable.

Preparation

List for London is distinctly lacking. 

A French Conn Dress that looks shit without a belt,

but is too baggy for one.

Black leggings that are rapidly fading.

White baggy top, hangs like a tent.

White & Black leggings are okay.

If you want to spend the day pulling them up.

Green Urban Sandals, double-check the weather forecast

RAIN Monday - Tuesday. 

Grey pumps - make your feet 

STINK!

Brolly. of course. 

Blue swallow dress, massive arse. 

Red belt, emphasis' the chest

Flower dress, recently shrunk...don't trust Donna to do your washing. 

and Pjs. 

Good start then. 

Handbag

The inside of a handbag tells you a lot.
Its like putting a story together.
Its the relevance of a handbag; carrying objects which you 'might' need.

A belt
Nail Varnish
Offer letter from Uni
5 different pens.
3 blue, 2 black.

A pearl necklace and the contraceptive patch.
The remains of a weekend you are trying to remember

Matches,
A tally chart
Gallery timetable
and lipgloss.

Vanity in a handbag.
How much you think about your appearance.

Body butter - free with a magazine
Ipod, minus the earphones
earrings
and receipts, receipts, recepits.

And really how much of it do you need?
All of it!

House keys, mobile, purse.
The bear necessasities.
The things your heart races without, that spreads panic and a look of worry without.

A cardigan (how sensible)
Sunglasses
A buss pass, work pass
and a huge purple ring
OF COURSE!

The size of the bag, obviously
suitcase size.

The weight? suprisingly light
A life in a bag.

Wage slip, bank details
BILLS BILLS BILLS.
Hairgrips and deodarant.

A weeks worth of shit
& what do you need it for?

Sunshine

dress caught in a gust of wind this morning and blew right up,
this normally would send me in a self conscious panic.
"Pull it down!!, check no one saw me"
Instead I smile. Before grapping a fist full of fabric to hold it still.

beads of sweat gather already at my brow.
08:14am the clock on my monitor reads.

yesterday, i came across a past conversation
i wish i hadn't
an insight to a relationship, that didn't quite match the picture i had in my mind.

my hands shook as they gave my feelings away
"Why you shaking"
"I duno" i answer, a sullen teen not daring to look up, my feelings betrayed on my face and the hurt in my eyes for all to see.

the sun outside makes me want to run from the confines of the office
jump in my car
and roadtrip.

the sensible in me tells me
"No, you haven't even opened your inbox yet"
but the reckless in me says
"Fuck it, treat yourself"

i double click the inbox.
21 emails.